By: Kevin Luster
Recently, I finally started making use of the gym membership that has surreptitiously been costing me hundreds of dollars a year (so much beer money gone to waste). Unfortunately the hard part about working out isn't the actual joules of energy being expended; rather it's how self-conscious an exercise going to the gym truly is (see what I did there? Eh? Eh?). In an effort to placate my own insecurities I now present to you the ten commandments of your local gymnasium.
1) Thou shalt have twenty minutes to wrap it up when I walk in the door. When I get on the tread mill I'm only doing twenty minutes…that's about all my heart can take. Don't make me feel bad by running an extra 10 minutes after I've already finished up.
2) Thou shalt keep the grunting to a minimum gentleman. I know that 17.5 lb free weight is a challenge, but you're not Serena Williams and this isn't Wimbledon.
3) Thou shalt give it more then 3 minutes on the Stairmaster before weighing thineself again. It takes at least 13 minutes before one begins seeing results.
4) Thou shalt not sit on a machine when ‘tis not in use. You're not a mother Whooping crane incubating your eggs, take a little walk and keep it loose.
5) Thou shalt never enter the sauna. Aren't five "Final Destinations" enough to prove that high temperature rooms, with locking doors, are never to be trusted?
6) Thou shalt leave the gym and never return if all eight abdominal muscles are present and accounted for, you're making the rest of us look bad.
7) Thou shalt give thanks everyday to the man who invented yoga pants.
8) Thou shalt not stare at thineself in the mirror for more then 22 seconds; a little narcissism doesn't hurt anyone, but don't overdo it.
9) Thou shalt always wipe down the machine thoroughly after each use. It's not that I don't like your scent, I just prefer my own.
10) And finally, thou shalt not utter the words "do you even lift bro?" in anyway other than jest.